btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
