it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Randomize
