Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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