I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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