he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I have aggressive nipples.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
