yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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