I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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