That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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