pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
