Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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