OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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