I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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