He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
