so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I have post one night stand depression
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
