Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Dicks are not precious.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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