Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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