im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
