if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
