Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Randomize
