All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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