i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Randomize
