i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
