i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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