if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm lost and stupid without you.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
