my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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