I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
