Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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