Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Sext me about skeletons
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
