dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
