I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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