6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
