Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Randomize
