I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
