He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
