Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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