i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
