someone owes me an orgasm
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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