the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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