I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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