This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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