I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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