just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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