This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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