I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
operation have a gay friend backfired
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
