honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
It's official drugs can't kill me
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
