sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
