She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Randomize