omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
