Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
