Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
