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all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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