I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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