tell your sister to shave her snatch
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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