he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
