and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize