$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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